Last month I gave a talk on Strength to Strength Sisters about God’s design for older women to teach the younger. You can call it mentoring or teaching or friendship or influencing. One Biblical term is “discipleship.” It was for women who want to live with eternal purpose, but don’t have 10,000 followers on Instagram like big influencers do. I didn’t talk about following a particular mentoring program, but about ordinary women connecting in ordinary ways.
I gave the talk via Zoom, which I don’t love. Physical presence matters enormously to me, so it was hard to speak alone in my empty office. But this technological platform gives the possibility to cross time zones without anyone needing to leave their couch, plus it preserves the words for people to access afterwards (as a YouTube and podcast recording) but still, I don’t love Zoom.
And as always, after speaking, there were details I wish I could do over, or examples I wish I could’ve added or reworded. That’s what this blog post is, which is another benefit of technology.
But before I say what I’d change about the talk, I want to say what I liked about it. I loved that I could see a few dear faces on the screen–especially friends who never turn on their cameras, but they did so for me, and it was super sweet of them. It’s why I rarely looked up at my computer camera, but always just below it at the faces I wanted to see.
I also loved telling the women “You are a tree!” and the simple interactive assignment that came out of that–a fun, meaningful exercise for all of us. And I loved telling the story at the end of what Pastor John told me when I didn’t know how to make a decision. His words to me that day were so confident and strong and simple that I could believe what he said. In turn, I can hand those words to others. It’s my favorite, beautiful part of giving away what I’ve been given.
The Q&A at the end of the talk was the hardest part for me. I felt self-conscious because I wanted to give good advice but didn’t have time to offer something thoughtful, and wasn’t at all sure that I answered carefully or sensitively.
Finding a mentor you can trust
One of the questions was about how to find a mentor you can trust, “who will keep things confidential.” I hear this question often. I never know if the question comes because some women can’t trust, or because some women aren’t trustworthy.
If you’re looking for a mentor you can trust, you need to risk exposing your soul, and you need to know that no mentor will be perfect.
I wish I would have said: If you want be a mentor, you don’t need to overthink it. It’s not complicated. All you need is to love God supremely and your neighbor as yourself. The shape of your life will influence others whether or not you intend that it does. That’s why friendship and conversation is so powerful. But it’s also why gossip is so devastating. It should never be said of you that you passed on carelessly what someone confided in you (except the threat of harming someone).
Most women, for whatever reason, love to be the first to tell a piece of news. But usually the most loving thing you can do for someone is to hold their confidence as sacred. Not even share it as a sanctified-sounding prayer request.
You don’t actually pop.
The soul is very elastic and can hold quite a lot of words and feelings, and it doesn’t explode.
We should work hard to be safe women for each other. When there are interpersonal problems and questions, we should be careful to talk only with the people who are part of the problem or the solution. I wish I would have said that because it’s what my parents taught me and it works for me.
Recommended reading
Someone asked for recommended reading on mentoring. I love talking about books! But I hesitate to recommend specific titles for specific purposes, because reading is so subjective. What is meaningful and helpful to me might not connect with you, and vice versa.
But I do recommend Getting to Know a Person by David Brooks. He writes for a secular audience but holds strong Judeo-Christian values. He says when we listen to people talking, we should listen so hard that we burn calories as we listen. Sounds like a good weight reduction plan! Seriously, if we would all follow Brook’s advice, we would be better people and able to mentor/influence/friend/disciple better.
I wish I would’ve said that.
But it’s ok. I keep learning. And keep taking in. And giving away. It’s the rhythm of a good life, the shape of a flourishing tree.