Photo by Rajat Verma on Unsplash
Last week, the lovely Daughters of Promise team asked me for a writer’s interview on Zoom. It was in connection with their Brighter Winter program, which gets participants into lots of books during January and February. I agreed to the interview even though I’d never done anything like it. In the moment, it was mostly enjoyable even though I don’t love being the focus in a virtual conversation. My hosts helped me feel comfortable, and seeing a few friends’ faces made the call enjoyable.
We talked about my book, the process of writing and self-publishing, and my goals for the book. My goal was—and is—for it to be a companionable voice on a lonely path. Then a question came that I wasn’t prepared for: what can the church do for singles to support them and recognize their gifts and contributions to the Kingdom and not make them feel left out?
I stumbled around, offering ideas off the top of my head, but I didn’t feel good about it. So I decided this space (ironically another virtual platform) might be a place to think longer about the question and possible answers. I’m thankful beyond words that in this current season I can put down these ideas from a place of abundance, gratitude, and fullness rather than resentment, scarcity, and envy. I wish all single women’s churches and work places would support them as mine do. I hear many single women’s stories, and this is not their reality.
- We want to be known and seen as contributing citizens, not oddities, even in our pro-family sub-culture. So please meet our eyes. Notice our appearance. Ask us questions about our latest holiday or visit home or latest book or hopes for the new year.
- Give us responsibilities in church that fit our lifestyle. Keep in mind that most of us are working 50-60 hour weeks, and we love our work, but we have very little discretionary time. At the end of a long work day, we still have to maintain the car, see the dentist, buy groceries, do laundry, and cook. Did I mention take care of the house or lawn or garden? And all solo? That doesn’t give much time for babysitting, making church bulletins, or hosting–even if those are all things we are able to do and enjoy doing when we find cracks of time in evenings and weekends.
- We love meal invitations and leftovers. We love hosting too, but it takes a lot of planning ahead because if hosting involves food, we don’t always have food in the fridge.
- Hug us freely and often. We live in an adult world and often go for days without physical touch.
- In family-centered activities like meals and picnics, invite us to join your family. We don’t always know where to stand or who to sit beside, and it’s lonely to stand alone in a circle, and we never get used to that.
- If you don’t know us well but you have a potential boyfriend in mind for us, stay quiet and pray. If you know us well and we’ve confided our dreams to you, set us up with good men. Ask us on a double date or a blind date. We know that marriage won’t solve all our problems so you don’t have to tell us that but we need you to celebrate your beautiful, strong marriages and darling children and we need you to love us where we are and hold hope for us.
I can already hear howls of protest from some singles who feel misrepresented in this list. What I put on the table here is true for some but not all single women. That means it’s on every person to get to know the single lady beside her and love her as a one-of-a-kind individual, not as a piece of demographic information.
Singleness is hard and marriage is hard. That’s what Sam Alberry says, and I believe him. That means that all of us need all of us to accompany each other in this beautiful, broken world, to smooth the path a little bit for each other, to be present and available and tender toward whoever is walking beside us.
Tis a Gift to Receive 
Bless you for being open and vulnerable by writing this! So so true! Also, never wrote a review on your book but it’s one of my favorites.(as my email address will show you, hope you don’t mind the borrowed phrase) :)Have a blessed day!
I’m delighted to hear you like my book!
Such good words! I’ve been asked to present at a singles’ seminar in March. Your words give me hope and life again…..as I think about sharing!!
Wonderful! I’m so glad you feel some encouragement! Best wishes as you prepare.
The last point is gold. So well said. Thank you for being here and for showing up with grace and vibrance. 🤍
Thank you for your kind affirmation!
Thank you so much for taking time to write and communicate these thoughts, Anita. Beautifully done!
Thank you!
Hi Anita,
We’ve never met, but I feel like I know enough about you from your blog and your book to say this: I’m currently reading a book by Phil Moore called The Forgotten Manifesto of Jesus How revival in Iran is spreading across the world which I think you would find thought-provoking. A missions book outside of the box for sure, but since you are relationship oriented, and multicultural it may resonate with you. I just started reading it, and you showed up in my email, so although it has nothing to do with today’s fine blog post, I’m sharing it with you.
God bless you in your corner.
Greetings from the PNW
Thanks for the book recommendation!
I love what you shared here! I’ve been married 35 yrs, but want to love well the singles in my life.
God bless! Sincerely, Marjorie Otto
Thank you! I’m glad this connects with you.
Anita, you said it well. I especially like the last paragraph.
Thank you for your affirmation, Lorene!
I greatly enjoyed your interview on Brighter Winter, Anita. Your life and words are an inspiration! Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words, Cathy!
Thank you for posting this Anita. It well expresses how a lot of singles feel, I for one. At 51, with a full time job, and a house to keep there doesn’t seem to be time for much else and it’s easier to skip gatherings rather than being the odd man/woman out.
Helena Zacharias
I’m glad this helped you feel understood, Helena.
Very well said, Anita!! Thanks so much
Hi Irene! Thanks for showing up here!
I felt well represented and appreciate you putting those thoughts together😊
Thank you!
“We know that marriage won’t solve all our problems so you don’t have to tell us that but we need you to celebrate your beautiful, strong marriages and darling children and we need you to love us where we are and hold hope for us.”
Amen and amen. I think this kind of comment from people is meant as comfort when it has been said, but I am much more comforted to know that the world actually has good and beautiful things in it. Also, if one does enter into a dating relationship then, as I have, having a foundation of beauty and Biblical truth is so important.
“The world has good and beautiful things in it.” Yes! And they’re worth treasuring and working hard for!