June was an eventful month. It took awhile for that to register, yeah, but it often takes a long time for things to settle into my cranium, and be able to connect the dots and see the relevance to things now.
I had my birthday in June. It was really sweet, how 2 of my sisters came the night before and said they’re the birthday committee, and would I like to go away for a picnic the next day, or have a special tea at home? I opted for staying at home, and they had a most elegant array of food and drink and of course gifts that graced the china on the coffee table. I had ordered iced mocha and nachos which is not entirely a conventional tea menu, but they carried it off with gracious ingenuity. ( I made up that word and use it alot because it’s Very Useful.)
And my sister designed this lovely feminine, artsy, pink menu for the tea. One of the menu items was lembas, but sadly the kitchen had no lembas that day. The menu had lots of cute sayings and lovely fonts scattered throughout. Clearly, it was the kind I put in my journal. Anyhow, at the very bottom, it had Latin quotes in bold. I asked her what they mean, and she said she doesn’t know, but that it denotes mystery, like a woman. I thought it was fitting to be reminded of mystery on my birthday.
Then 4 days later, another mystery appeared. My doctor became very concerned when she found 2 palpable masses in my stomach. ( I had discovered them months ago when doing the massage course, but thought it was digestion problems, and didn’t do anything about it because it didn’t hurt.) The xray was inconclusive, and an ultrasound appt. was made for the next week. Came home from a harrowing afternoon in the hospital and went on a walk to clear my head and talk with God. There I had the strong impression that I must ask to be annointed, following the pattern set in James 4.
So the next night, the church leaders and sisters gathered in our living room, and we committed this mystery to God, affirming our trust in His love and wisdom. The lumps didn’t disappear like I’d ask God for, but His peace was and is beyond words.
On Sept. 16 I’m planning to be seen by the interventional radiologist who will do the embolization on the tumors. Basically, that means blocking the blood supply to the tumors, so that they shrink. They are still growing noticeably, and are affecting my moves somewhat, but not much. It’s painful to slouch, so that improves my posture! They are big enough that embolization may not be an option, which means major surgery to remove the tumors. (One is at least 14 cms across.) The worst case scenario would be a hysterectomy, but I’m not dwelling on that.
This is all a mystery. I have no answers, and am learning to be ok with saying “I don’t know” when thinking about what God is doing in all of this waiting and risks. I think that may be the most faith-filled answer after all–the heart that is ok with mystery is at rest and ready to receive whatever God says. I think that’s what He values more than pat, ready answers.