Last week something funny happened. It wasn’t funny in a humorous way but in a strange or puzzling way. For the first time, I saw the faces of men whose voices I knew, and it baffled/bamboozled/confused me so much I could hardly watch. I felt most comfortable when I looked out the window and only listened to their voices instead of watched them talk.

It was my problem, not theirs. I’d spent hours listening to lectures by Paul David Tripp and David Powlison and very much like their approach to Christian counseling and how heart change happens in the Redeemer’s hands. Now, after the courses are over, I still often listen to the lectures on my walks. I recognize their pet words like ‘helicopter view’ and that God is ‘up to something good’ and ‘redemption’ and ‘significant life experience’ and ‘vignette.’

But in the listening, I’d formed an idea of how the men look, and when I saw videos of them, they didn’t look anything like what I’d thought! They’re not ugly or bad looking, but just not what I imagined and it messed with my mind.

Some readers of my book have written me that they wonder how I look. I like to keep it a mystery. Maybe it’s a control thing. Could be.

Anyhow, I wonder how it will be how it will be when I see God. I read His words and hear His spirit in my spirit, and feel I know Him and what He likes and wants in the limited way that the finite can understand Infinity. But how will it be when I see His face? I like to think that I’ll recognize Him. I like to think that I’ll know His face because I know His sons and daughters who resemble Him. Maybe it will stun me, but I don’t think it will be puzzling because in that moment, I will know Him as well as He knows me now.

It hit me broadside: the blinding question of who I am, and who I should be.

I ran to Lolita, and in rushed, anxious whispers, asked: Who am I? Who should I be? Usually I feel fine in my own skin, but right now I want to wiggle out of it and run away. Am I really ok?

It had to do with my age, and shaking someone’s categories up, and them not knowing what box to put me in, and usually I quite enjoy doing that to people, but this time, for whatever reason, I didn’t.

So Lolita told me some nice words and hugged me, which usually puts most anything into rights again, and I’ve stayed in my own skin, and not moulted as I was thinking of doing.

Instead, I’m noticing grey hair appearing on my head at an amazing rate. It’s a fascinating phenomenon.

One my favourite Scripture pieces is John 1, and lately verse 16 rings repeatedly in my head: Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.

Grace on top of grace. Generous, copious, extravagant gifts on top of gifts. I live in this reality, and the wonder of it takes my breath away.

Then this morning I read another of Mark Galli’s excellent articles, (you can read it here) and it resonated deeply with me.

… in all its simplicity, it all its miraculousness, God’s word to Mary, God’s word to us: “Hey you. Yeah you—favored one!”

Biblical commentators and novelists have fun speculating why Mary was greeted like this. She is often pictured as a devout young woman, pure in heart, whose righteousness won her the honor of bearing Jesus. But in fact, the Bible shows no interest whatsoever in Mary’s life prior to this moment (and relatively little afterward). This announcement to Mary comes completely out of the blue, as if it were an act of sheer grace.

Indeed, an act of grace to Mary and to us. Before we could decide for or against God, before we could show him how religious we are, before we could ask forgiveness for our first sin, before we were the apple of our parents’ eyes, before the foundation of the world, God favored us. Not because he knew we would blossom into greatness. ….No, we were favored when God knew well enough that we would fail to live up to our potential, that most days we would be miserable little disciples. Yes, in spite of the fact that we would be sad, fearful, doubting, anxious, and sinful people, he favored us.

I think that life can never be the same after we have heard his words: “Hey, you there, you favoured one!”