Walk With Me For the Journey is Long

When I read Ultra-Processed People, (which every American should read, by the way) I was dismayed to find out that exercise doesn’t automatically burn up the calories I consume. For example, when I eat a Snickers bar then compute how long I need to walk to burn those calories, my walk will benefit me, but not by erasing those yummy junk calories. The math doesn’t math that way, which is deeply disappointing to me and also proves that numbers hate me.

Ultra-Processed People shook me for other reasons too, which I won’t go into here except to say that after you read it, you will often ask yourself as you eat, “Was this food made with love to nourish me or made by a company that wants to make money off me?”

Back to NOT walking off the calories from a Snickers bar: the author says walking has many benefits even if it doesn’t consume the calories I wish it would. Even though I’m mad at numbers, I absolutely agree that walking benefits me in many ways.

When I think back to very dark seasons of distress, I remember that the times I was most calm and at peace were when I walked down the road to the sea or when I went swimming in a cove. Back then, I thought it was the sea that calmed me. But now, connecting the dots in retrospect, I know it was the physical movement of walking or swimming that ultimately regulated me, and my body knew what it needed more than I did. This is the road with the sea at my back:

Years later, when I was new to northwestern Pennsylvania, I was telling a friend how hard it is to survive the long dark winter. (In dramatic moments, I know we have nine months of winter in the year.) She suggested I take 15-20 minutes to walk right after lunch when the sun is at its highest. It was the advice I needed, and it has served me enormously. Most days, I’d invite my co-worker friend across the hall to go with me. Sometimes, when I knew she was having a stressful day, I used stronger language and insisted she walk with me. We’d walk in all weather except rain.

When we were scrambling to begin working from home during COVID, the first thing I put in my schedule was two walks a day: one with my co-worker and one alone. Two daily walks was the best decision I made in that season.

For years, lower back pain bothered me. Sometimes it was better, then worse. One chiropractor said firmly, “You could walk this off.” I was glad to know, and walking regularly is probably why my back doesn’t give me trouble now.

In another difficult, overwhelming season, my doctor (and I) didn’t want to put me on anti-depressants, but she suggested daily walks. I told her I already walk, and she cheered. “And look up as you walk—45 degrees slanted up toward the sky. There’s a reason the good book says to lift your eyes to the hills!” and she swept her arm up from the horizon. I try to remember her advice when I walk. Looking up exposes my eyes to more light and Vitamin D. But I suspect Psalm 121 intended even more than those physical benefits.

I’m the pal who drags her people out for a walk after a meal even in the middle of winter. You don’t feel like going, it’s true, but after approximately five steps, you already feel better. You take longer, deeper breaths, you notice birdsong and the sky even if it’s gray, and when you get back you never wish you’d have stayed inside. Never. For real.

Walking rests my brain. Some of my best ideas come on a walk. It’s probably something about the cross-pattern or rhythmic movement or not needing to concentrate or increased oxygen or change of scenery.

My current walking place is nothing like where I walked in Ireland, and this is sad. But it’s green and has wildflowers in every season and wild apples and white aspens. Sometimes I do a color walk, which gives me new eyes to see the ordinary.

Silence is a practice I stack with walking. In the morning, if I’ve been listening to podcast or audio book as I fix my bed and pack my bag, I turn off the audio at my door. I step out the door in silence, walk through the morning in silence, walk the scenic route to my office in silence, stop to see the sun and sky and trees in silence. In the evening, I might listen to or send voice messages as I walk, but not more. I need silence to give a chance for some of the open tabs in my brain to close. I need silence for thinking space and for rest. Deep work calls for deep rest, Aundi Colber says, and silence is restful. If it’s not, it’s probably time to sit with it and ask it why.

Because I benefit from the social, emotional, physical, and spiritual results of daily walks, I think everyone else should walk too. If it’s too warm to walk at noon, walk at golden hour when the sun is less direct. Or walk in starlight, which is its own magic and calm and wonder. And if you can’t walk, do stretches. If you can’t stretch, do deep breathing. Or sing. The breathing, rhythm, and focus on something outside yourself will benefit you in surprising ways.

If it doesn’t, come talk to me! You know we’ll go on a walk to figure it out.

 

Happy Colors

They are mementos of a happy hour of immersive color. I’d pinned the inspiration painting on my “To Paint” Pinterest board and one Sunday afternoon I knew it was time. It was time to play, sketch, blend a branch across three panels.

The backs of old calendar pages gave the size I needed, plus the paper had enough texture to take on my chalk pastels. The technical term is that the paper had tooth but who knows what that means?

The colors morphed, shimmered, stretched across their lines to join each other and the layers became new colors. When I finished, the art looked exactly as I’d hoped–even better–but then, it’s hard to go wrong with chalk pastels, fingers, and a simple black silhouette. I attached the pieces to the ugly orange wall in our sitting room and we loved the tryptic. My finger nailbeds carried the blended colors for days and I didn’t care.

Months later, I packed my Polish life into three suitcases and the colors stayed on the wall because I didn’t think I needed them.

But I missed those colors. So after one year, I asked my housemate to bring them over with her. She carefully wrapped them around a paper towel tube and hand-delivered them to me. The paper was brittle and started to crack when I unrolled them but I was careful. It was so right to see the colors on my wall again!

Now I have them in my studio. They remind me to keep playing, experimenting, trying new compositions and palettes and media. They’re ten years old now. The colors and shades have smudged around the edges but I don’t look too closely. I used them once in art class for 5th and 6th graders who also went home with colors under their fingernails.

Maybe that’s the highest use of art–to be a presence that invites play, reflects color and shape, and offers a sense of home. From the old country to the new and now familiar, we have crossed miles and seen many seasons but some things never change.

Fairy Rings and Circles

Photo by Mahad Aamir on Unsplash

I’ve been thinking about circles and the ways they provide spaces of beauty, nurture, and life.

Some of my most formative, life-giving, sacred memories happened when I was sitting around a circle. Not in straight rows, not one-on-one, but in a circle. There were camp chairs or blocks of wood, benches, or floor pillows so some people were sitting higher or lower but no one was outside the circle. Both men and women sat in the various circles, people of many ages and life experiences.

A physical object is usually in the center of the circle. We sit around Sunday lunch or a tray of nachos or a crackling fire or a coffee table with a candle and tea. The object in the center isn’t our sole focus, but it gives us a hub to gather around and something to watch if we feel twitchy and unable to meet someone’s eye.

A circle says everyone matters, every voice is valuable–even the voice that would otherwise stay quiet. No one can hide, and it’s safe enough that no one wants to hide. The circle includes, expands, takes in, listens, responds. In these spaces, there’s one conversation happening that everyone contributes to, not splattered clusters of discussions, although those also have value. The words I carry away with me often begin with:

What I hear you saying is….

Have you considered…?

What if…?

You need to know….

I never thought of…in that way.

I heard Jesus say…

I remember circles with gales of rollicking laughter that helped set my world right again. I remember deep questions with long silences. I remember thoughtful observations and poetry read. Food is always a nice feature, and tissues for tears are essential. I remember advice given to me that I could hand to someone else in turn. What’s spoken was usually simple but valuable because it was born out of experience.

To be clear: not all circles are life-changing. Sometimes the conversation is about the lettuce in the garden or the housing market or wall paint. I don’t love small talk, but I’ve learned to try hard to engage even there because it gives me data for conversations with those people in the future. Small talk is a window into what they care about and it establishes trust and safety. (Read The Six Conversations by Heather Holleman for more ideas and guidance about conversations.)

When you’re done with small talk, the real enjoyment and life-giving exchanges happen with good questions.

What have you been processing lately?

What’s big for you next week?

Are you happy?

What are your dreams for the next 10 years?

These are the kinds of questions that enable knowing and being known, a level of intimacy everyone hungers for. These questions went deep fast in the circles I’ve sat in recently. I love that circles are a recurring theme of my story. I blogged about it here before and probably will again.

You can choose a favorite question to keep in your back pocket for the next circle you encounter.

Laurence Koo, board member of Authentic Intimacy, teaches that humans were created for five levels of intimacy:

  1. intellectual (exchanging and pushing around on ideas)
  2. emotional (friendship, banter, camaraderie)
  3. spiritual (sharing what we know and learn and love about God)
  4. physical (hugs, sharing personal bubbles)
  5. sexual (one man and one woman in marriage)

People live whole, full lives without sexual intimacy (thousands have, over the centuries), but people cannot flourish without those first four levels of intimacy. However, when someone has vacancies in any of those first four aspects, they’re more vulnerable to sexual sin.

I’m an unmarried woman at 50 without a date. Multiple formal and informal circles provide those first four levels of intimacy for me, and I dream for everyone to have the same opportunity to flourish and develop.

But here’s the rub. Circles don’t usually show up at your fire ring uninvited. Only fairies and mushrooms do that. To engage in those facets of intimacy, you have to be intentional and risk and give up significant control and autonomy. To be part of a circle might mean you plan, invite, or host to make it happen instead of stay tidy and cozy at home.

You don’t usually just happen onto a circle. You choose to linger when it might be easier to leave an event early. You choose to engage when it would be easier to stay aloof. You choose to ask questions and be awake to who is around you and what they’re saying.

So start small and fun: a shared activity like a walk or work or art project or birthday to celebrate. Find a common interest like poetry or bird watching or thrifting. Start light and breezy, not heavy and ponderous.

Ask God to give you circles to be part of. It was His idea in the first place, that you thrive in community with other voices contributing to your life. He cares about the circles you sit in. I can trace His mysterious, light fingerprints in the way He arranges the circles I’ve been part of. It was clearly His arranging, not mine, but it was on me to be aligned with what He was up to.

Loneliness is an epidemic in the West, and loneliness doesn’t go away when someone gets married. That means everyone needs to find ways to live well in our common experience of being lonely, separate, other.

So let’s learn how to hold the weight of loneliness without crumpling. Let’s find places—circles—to offer companionship, understanding, presence that offers an antidote to crippling, suffocating loneliness.

This doesn’t mean that we should desperately chase after circles so that we’ll never be lonely again. In an ironic turn, I’ve found that when I’m most at peace in solitude, I am most ready to contribute and receive from the bounty of a circle.

Circles are gifts to receive, not rights to demand. But isn’t it good of God to give such lovely gifts?

The Winter of Our Content

Years ago, I stood in a crocus field in Holland. Our bulb farmer friend showed us the heating pipes that ran under the acres of rows of dirt. These heaters boosted the soil temperature for crocuses to give them a jump start on their competitors.

But before that luxurious spring came winter. Our friend showed us the buildings with huge coolers that forced winter on the bulbs. He explained how essential it is that the crocus corms were kept at a specific cold for a specific length of time. Without this carefully- designed winter, the crocuses wouldn’t produce well later even in their deluxe spring bed heaters.

I often think about that compulsory winter for the wrinkled little bulbs, and I wonder about my seasons and my flourishing.

Right now, it’s winter above the equator and it’s a beautiful one. Every morning I thank God for warmth and light and health and quietness–gifts that many in the world don’t have. For months, I got to watch the black sky turn to periwinkle then I put on boots and many layers of clothes and walked to work in fluffy snow. It was like a storybook. Ok, sometimes now it’s slush, not snow, but still. This winter has treated us exceptionally well.

Some of the best moments were when I walked in falling snow. Or made a snow angel then stayed and watched downy flakes fall and fall on me. It was so quiet relaxing, I understood why one would want to curl up in a snowbank for a nap.

This winter kept on being beautiful. But winter isn’t always white and peaceful, either outside the house or inside the heart. Sometimes more accurate words for winter are

  • bleak
  • howling
  • dark
  • ghostly
  • empty
  • ugly
  • parched
  • barren

Winter can be a season in the calendar or of the soul. It is never warm breezes and pink blossoms. I see no beauty in gray, bare stalks and trees. I find no joy in husks of stems and leaves, mud, and thick clouds at high noon. Winter feels like wasted time, pointless, empty, and, worst of all, ugly.

I have found no fast cure, no quick ticket to a warm spring and billows of blossoms. Winter is a season, a rhythm that comes and goes without my permission. I can only control my response to it. So, after many years of resenting winter’s darkness, I’ve come to try to befriend its hostility.

I bought a long down-filled coat and ear muffs and when I wrap my scarf around my neck and face, the cold can hardly get me. I light candles and read and drink tea. Or host friends or bake bread to give away. Or go to bed early. Or play with watercolors or words.

It’s a mindset I learned from Wintering: the Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May. She explained how Scandinavians in their long winters make the most of the season instead of fighting it. Since it’s going to be dark, they insist on cozy lights. Since it’s going to be cold, they wear warm layers and snow boots. That approach has changed my life in northwestern Pennsylvania where winter stays for six months.

In melodramatic moments, I say that we’re in the Arctic Circle and sometimes see penguins. My impatience comes from having lived in Ireland where daffodils bloomed in late January and now I have to wait until at least April. But I also experienced SAD there and those winters were dark and rainy and I wanted to run away to Spain or Italy every winter.

The good thing about seasons is that they don’t stay. And they are part of a life cycle. Winter is not empty time, but a space to go still, like a seed underground. Winter is the creator’s answer to the longing to bloom. Winter quiets the seed, nests it safe, protects it from death while it rests. The husk of the seed does die. Death is part of winter but it is for the purpose of life.

Stillness and quietness works for seeds and people and their fruitfulness.

Have you noticed it? The people you know who are most luminous now have known long, cold, brutal winter in previous seasons. They had no timeline, no calendar to know when spring was coming. They couldn’t see progress or change in that darkness, but underneath all the layers, even in the dark and cold, life hadn’t stopped. The roots hadn’t withered.

I don’t say that glibly. Spring is hard-won. Winter seasons are intensely difficult, demanding, distressing—how many other D words?—dangerous, depressing, debilitating, dark, depleting, deserted.

Being chirpy about winter isn’t helpful. But it helps me to name what is true. And it helps me to know, in a dark season of famine and barrenness, that it won’t always be this way, that spring comes eventually. At some point, I know, water will trickle again instead of freezing.

Let me tell you an unbelievable secret. It’s so astounding, I have to whisper it because it’s so hard to believe. Last week it was zero degrees and as I walked gingerly over ice and snow beside the pear trees, I saw tiny swollen brave buds pushing out of the twiggy branches.

How is it possible? Buds when it’s below freezing?

There is something thrumming down deep out of sight, silent and stubborn: the insistence of life, the throb of light pulsing in the sap and bark and roots. Gnarled twigs hold veins of liquid that circulates in response to the lengthening frigid days.

Light will always be stronger than dark, sending warmth and vitality to the most hidden places. Even in the Artic Circle, the polar night shortens and daylight cautiously emerges. That mechanical Dutch winter those wrinkled, lumpy crocus corms endured became their route to flower.

I’m so curious about what fruits and flowers are ahead of us.

Walking Beside Each Other

Photo by Rajat Verma on Unsplash

Last week, the lovely Daughters of Promise team asked me for a writer’s interview on Zoom. It was in connection with their Brighter Winter program, which gets participants into lots of books during January and February. I agreed to the interview even though I’d never done anything like it. In the moment, it was mostly enjoyable even though I don’t love being the focus in a virtual conversation. My hosts helped me feel comfortable, and seeing a few friends’ faces made the call enjoyable.

We talked about my book, the process of writing and self-publishing, and my goals for the book. My goal was—and is—for it to be a companionable voice on a lonely path. Then a question came that I wasn’t prepared for: what can the church do for singles to support them and recognize their gifts and contributions to the Kingdom and not make them feel left out?

I stumbled around, offering ideas off the top of my head, but I didn’t feel good about it. So I decided this space (ironically another virtual platform) might be a place to think longer about the question and possible answers. I’m thankful beyond words that in this current season I can put down these ideas from a place of abundance, gratitude, and fullness rather than resentment, scarcity, and envy. I wish all single women’s churches and work places would support them as mine do. I hear many single women’s stories, and this is not their reality.

  • We want to be known and seen as contributing citizens, not oddities, even in our pro-family sub-culture. So please meet our eyes. Notice our appearance. Ask us questions about our latest holiday or visit home or latest book or hopes for the new year.
  • Give us responsibilities in church that fit our lifestyle. Keep in mind that most of us are working 50-60 hour weeks, and we love our work, but we have very little discretionary time. At the end of a long work day, we still have to maintain the car, see the dentist, buy groceries, do laundry, and cook. Did I mention take care of the house or lawn or garden? And all solo? That doesn’t give much time for babysitting, making church bulletins, or hosting–even if those are all things we are able to do and enjoy doing when we find cracks of time in evenings and weekends.
  • We love meal invitations and leftovers. We love hosting too, but it takes a lot of planning ahead because if hosting involves food, we don’t always have food in the fridge.
  • Hug us freely and often. We live in an adult world and often go for days without physical touch.
  • In family-centered activities like meals and picnics, invite us to join your family. We don’t always know where to stand or who to sit beside, and it’s lonely to stand alone in a circle, and we never get used to that.
  • If you don’t know us well but you have a potential boyfriend in mind for us, stay quiet and pray. If you know us well and we’ve confided our dreams to you, set us up with good men. Ask us on a double date or a blind date. We know that marriage won’t solve all our problems so you don’t have to tell us that but we need you to celebrate your beautiful, strong marriages and darling children and we need you to love us where we are and hold hope for us.

I can already hear howls of protest from some singles who feel misrepresented in this list. What I put on the table here is true for some but not all single women. That means it’s on every person to get to know the single lady beside her and love her as a one-of-a-kind individual, not as a piece of demographic information.

Singleness is hard and marriage is hard. That’s what Sam Alberry says, and I believe him. That means that all of us need all of us to accompany each other in this beautiful, broken world, to smooth the path a little bit for each other, to be present and available and tender toward whoever is walking beside us.

It Just Happened

I keep asking God to grow my trust in Him. It’s been my recurring prayer this year. Then He sent me a hummingbird.

One day in late summer at my second story office, something kept flying in and out of my peripheral vision around the pear tree outside the window. When I stopped to look, I saw it was a hummingbird, and it perched on a branch that pointed toward me about fifteen away.

I called my coworkers to come see, and did anyone have a set of binoculars? The next morning, Sheldon brought his pair and we could see the little bird was clearly building a nest.

I can tell you that I watched a busy little hummingbird make her nest, but then I choke up and my eyes start leaking. I don’t have words to explain how beautiful it was to watch her. She zipped in and out all day, just outside my window.

A neighboring family from church—five little ones and their mom, avid bird lovers—brought their binoculars one day to watch. They told me she would build her nest from moss and spiderwebs.

Sure enough. When Danny*, my co-worker across the hall, got his big camera to capture the action, he caught a shot of a wisp of web on her bill and extra spider webs stockpiled beside the nest.

July 25, 2024

She used her bill to shape and punch and work her nest. She sat in it and scooched around in it to shape its bed. She used lichens from the tree for the outside of the bowl, which was a splendid camouflage. Often when people came to see the nest, it was hard for them to find it because the whites, grays, and greens looked just like the branches surrounding it. Her own green back matched the leaves around her. She was very watchful as she worked, constantly on the look-out.

I watched her build for two weeks. My eyes learned to know exactly where to look, and how to direct others’ eyes to find her. I watched for her partner with his ruby throat, but he never showed up. These are not romantic birds, I understand. Maybe it’s those bills.

Then she sat on the nest for two weeks. The nest was nearly eye level to us, and we wished we could look down into the nest to see the eggs, but we never could. It seemed significant that she usually faced away from my window and toward the tree trunk. I wondered if she felt that direction held her greatest threat, and our brick building with rows of windows felt safe enough to not keep an eye on it.

She was a distraction and many brain breaks and a deep message to me. She was teaching me something about how it looks to rest and trust. I wondered if she knew how small she was and how big the sky is, but she didn’t seem bothered. I couldn’t possibly survive in the wild like her, but I got a front row seat to watching her manage and thrive.

The eggs hatched on August  21 and she started feeding her two babies! It was unbelievable. How was it safe to poke her bill deep into her babies’ mouths? Where was her partner? How could she feed her babies alone?

September 2, 2024

September 3, 2024

Apparently, hummingbirds eat insects in addition to nectar, but still, how is it possible to supply the babies’ growing metabolisms and get them and herself ready to migrate? How can the little mites fly 1,000’s of miles south so soon?

September 3, 2024

Eventually, it looked like the babies were spilling out of the nest. We kept wondering how they practice flying.

September 3, 2024

We never saw the first one leave. Then there was one left. It perched on the edge of the nest and whirred its wings into a blur on and off for a whole day. The next morning, while Danny and I were watching, it hopped onto several branches surrounding the nest, then zoomed away. It took maybe fifteen seconds for it to hop out and decide to fly. We never saw any of them again.

I look out at that tiny, hidden nest every day and I miss that sweet little mama and her babies. I’m not a birder, but she was an immense gift to me this summer. She didn’t understand big words like camouflage or regurgitate or migrate but she knew what to do. In that nest, she rested and trusted something bigger than her.

This summer, it just happened that I noticed her graceful swoops to and from the pear tree. It just happened that I work across the hall from someone who likes wildlife photography and has the equipment for it. It just happened that another neighbor had binoculars that could sit on my window sill for six weeks. It just happened that a plucky little single-parent hummingbird chose a branch that made my office window the best vantage point. It just happened that Danny and I got to watch the last fledgling leave.

Now the leaves in the pear tree are slowly turning red and orange. It’s time for a new season. I understand that hummingbirds won’t come back to their old nest and I’m sad. But this season of watching those birds taught me something deep that I’m still mulling.

I asked for deeper trust and He sent me a hummingbird.

 

*Thanks to Danny for the wonderful pictures!

On Turning 50

Once at the edge of a crowded Dublin sidewalk, I was waiting for the crosswalk. Just as the pedestrian light turned red, I started to step off the curb, intending to cross quickly before the traffic started. A tall man beside me put out his arm to stop me. His elbow grazed my shoulder. “The man who made time made plenty of it,” he said. I laughed, chastened with his Irish humor and forthright advice.

Turning 50 turned me both pensive and excited about time. We have plenty of it, yes.  But time is a weird part of life that we can’t ever get enough of, and yet we’re sad we have it (At least, sometimes. It’s fashionable at some birthdays to be sad about another year.)

I feel an odd mix of exhilaration and bewilderment, and the puzzling compounds when people say they can’t believe I’m 50. “I’d have guessed you about 34 or 36,” they say, and they’re right: that’s how old I feel. But numbers don’t lie, and the math says 1974-2024=50. And what do my friends really mean? That I don’t act my age? How does 50 look? How does 50 live?

My cousin’s 12-year old thought I’m younger than his mom. I can understand him. I don’t have a husband or children, which is how one’s timeline unspools in his world, so to him, I’m just not old enough yet to have a family.

But there’s something in the wider air, beyond his cozy farming community, that doesn’t make sense to me. The math doesn’t work. It’s this:

Everyone is supposed to become the best version of themselves, grow, learn, develop, be all you can be. BUT don’t grow at the expense of becoming old.

Even if we don’t want grandmothers to be dressing like teenagers, we still have this deference for youth and beauty that we’re loathe to lose.

Youth and beauty are wonderful in their time. I live and work around 20-year-olds, and I love their wit and perspectives. But I LOVE being 50 and not 20! I have much to learn and hold many questions, but these 50  years have given me so, so much that I benefit from, give out of, and I would never want to go back to a smaller number.

Some mornings, though, it’s disconcerting to look in the mirror and see more gray hair, or to notice wrinkly skin on my hands. I don’t love that, or the gap in my grin because one year took a tooth. But when I take stock of the richness of my years, I can’t resent the gray and wrinkles. And I have seen repeatedly how a plain face becomes beautiful with a smile, and I don’t think my smile has to sag for a very long time.

Partly because I think 50 is cool, and partly because I want to push against the worship of youth and beauty, I started celebrating my 50th birthday for the full year before my birthday, and past it. Because why not? I started by going to a wonderful concert in Carnegie Hall and wrote briefly about it here. I bought raspberry batik fabric to make a dress that I love wearing. I went to Greece for three beautiful weeks. I’m going to another concert with another friend in August. There were other planned celebrations, and there might be more. Someone said these were excuses to do something, but I said turning fifty is a REASON, not an excuse to celebrate.

We don’t celebrate enough. I’m sure of it. Our Germanic genes make us too efficient and task-oriented to put effort into taking time to reflect and enjoy the end or beginning of a decade or a summer or a week or an accomplishment. We think we don’t have time, but the man who made time made plenty of it. When I think about how long God has been patient with me, and how many days and years He waits to ripen His purposes, I realize that He isn’t a bit concerned about time or efficiency. Remembering this helps me calm down and breathe deep and wait on whatever He’s up to.

I’ve earned these grey hair and wrinkles. A lot of tears and weights and waiting came before them. I can still be unreasonably chirpy, but I hope I’m a little more measured and thoughtful than I use to be. Fifty years have been very kind and beautiful to me, and I am grateful beyond words.

I wrote this poem last year in anticipation of turning 50:

Nut-brown silk wrapped
Smooth over knuckles,
Gapped grin in line of white,
Silver filaments framing face—
These parts of portraits
Plot a stretch of time,
Paint my story line
Of years, quick and slow,
Rich and deep and variegated, full.

This sagging silk? That dark spot?
They show my days stacked high
Of treasures found in hummocky shamrock fields,
Incandescent faces, glowing coves,
Humming train platforms,
Quiet words and bonfires,
Endless tea and steaming curries and
Tablescapes and holding hands for prayer.

The years and wrinkles converge, collect
To sketch a picture deep beyond
Cosmetics, profile, cursory glance.
Numbers only mark a page.
Wrinkles only touch a face.
My pulse glows calm, claims this age,
And names my story
Very good.

Things I Learned in Greece

Here is a list* of things I learned on my summer vacation on Lesvos, Greece in June. I spent three delicious weeks there to celebrate my 50th birthday, be alone, and spend time with two sisters, one brother-in-law, one nephew, and two friends who joined me after the first ten solo days.

I learned:

  • The island life is perfect for a restful, slow vacation.
  • The plane ticket is the most expensive part of the trip because accommodation and food is way cheaper than vacationing at home.
  • Jetlag is the price to pay for crossing seven time zones in a day.
  • Airline agents are very generous and kind when I treat them like good humans who have feelings.
  • Traditional Greek food is fantastic, simple, and bursting with flavor, and lemon chunks squeezed on everything make it even better. Ranch would be a serious desecration. Ketchup would be even more scandalous.
  • I wonder if most Greeks are Ennegram 7s.
  • Europe’s outdoor café culture is the best. And Greek freddo cappuccinos are valid reasons to go to Greece.
  • Sky and water in all its mirrored shades of light calms me like good music.
  • The lemon tree outside my studio apartment was covered with and dropping so many lemons, my landlady wanted me to take all I wanted. I can’t imagine living with such wealth.
  • Part of the efficacy of restful vacation is not needing stack activities. I can do one thing at a time: Drink coffee in silence. Read my Bible. Listen to music. Take a long walk in silence. Listen to an audio book. Read poetry aloud. Watercolor. No need to multi-task or watch the clock=bliss.
  • When I witness multiple nationalities and languages worshipping in one place, I always cry. Every time.
  • Beauty is profoundly healing.
  • Sunshine and solitude is deeply restful.
  • Some dreams come true. Others haven’t.
  • God is immensely generous to me, far beyond my deserving.
  • When I’m swimming and my friends on the beach decide to move down to a better spot, they can move my stuff and I can swim to the new place. Just like a mermaid.
  • Swimming alone is boring but still wonderful.
  • A three-year old nephew is completely irresistible when he cocks his head and says, “I want to chat with you!” I will happily talk or listen as long as he wants to chat.
  • Playing in the water with the nephew is the best playground in the world for both of us.
  • Sunscreen is worth the effort.
  • A day in Turkey gave us a taste of Middle Eastern welcome and warmth that seemed to go beyond mere salesmanship and I want to be like that too.
  • After three weeks of slow days and wholesome, fresh food and daily exercise and sunshine, I felt about 20 years younger. I felt. So. Good. In every way that’s possible to feel good.
  • Daily sunshine might have been the biggest, best thing about the three weeks. Locals don’t comment to each other about the nice weather because it’s always nice, and nothing to pay attention to.
  • I can drag my suitcase from the island, onto agents’ counters and over ramps to my house but I can never get the sand out of it–and I don’t want to.

*Inspired by Harry Baker’s poem, “Things I Learnt While Interrailing.

Our Trip to Savannah

Back in May, I flew to Georgia to visit Lolita for a weekend. In the first hour, I knew she and Michelle and I needed to spend a weekend together. They had both been through traumatic years: caring for Ukranian refugees in Poland, re-entry to the US after 20+ years, a teen son with recurring osteosarcoma. They were still living in the ragged stages of recovery and survival and I knew in my soul we needed time to talk, breathe slow, and be present with each other. “We three should get together in—Savannah,” I said rashly, because I felt it deeply but didn’t have a plan.

They didn’t dismiss the idea, even though it felt impossible. How could it be possible, two homeschooling moms leaving for a weekend? We kept hinting at the dream throughout the summer, waited for  CT scan results, and when they were (miraculously!) clear, we started planning in earnest.

We would stay on Tybee Island. Michelle would drive 9 hours from VA. I would fly in late after teaching that day at Ministry Training Center. Lolita would have the shortest drive and would bring the essential food items: coffee, cream, and scone ingredients for me to bake.

They settled into our un-luxurious but clean condo and had the evening together on the beach and picked me up at the airport after 10:00. Each night was so funny. We had all these things we wanted to do and talk about, (including a blind date they’re thinking about for me) but after about 10:30, we discovered we weren’t teenagers anymore, and we’d struggle on until we hit a wall at midnight and call it a day. I spent the next week trying to catch up on the lost sleep. I wonder if this proves my age more than anything else about me.

We didn’t sleep late, and sipped our coffee on the balcony in the glorious sunshine. I mixed up the scones and made a mistake and they became a fluffy cakey thing that we nibbled the rest of the day. We wanted to name this new creation but couldn’t settle on a name that suited us.

The beach wasn’t hot, but it was sand and water and scattered sunshine. And it was space to talk and talk and listen and listen and laugh and cry. We found our way to the city and the river front, and got carried away with the elegant, weathered, old-world vibe.

 

Vic’s on the River was a elegant place that served food flavored to perfection. We moaned and swooned over my shrimp and grits and Lolita’s she-crab soup. I was going to be good and order water, but how could I not enjoy sweet tea while in the south? The sweet tea was perfection. The wait staff were elegant and personable and we felt like princesses.

At the end of our meal, the lady beside us asked if we’d recommend the shrimp and grits. We got into a conversation when she asked where we’re from. We explained that we’ve been close friends for years at a distance, and have never been together with just the three of us. “This is a story,” our new friend said. “You could write a book about how you all got together!”

It’s true. Way back in our Voxer days, I created our chat group so that we could stay connected over all our drama. These were the friends who knew me the longest and we’ve stayed connected by that bond that comes from years of shared history. A book would make a good story about strong, enduring friendship across many miles and years. And the wonder is that it’s not a story, but a beautiful friendship of three.

For the rest of the glorious afternoon, we ambled the beautiful old streets marked by restful squares filled with giant live oaks, benches, and paths. We moved slow, took lots of pictures, oohed and ahhhed over anything and everything, and laughed often, because there were always big feelings.

 

In one deserted square, it was golden hour and Michelle was taking lots of pictures and the fountain was calling my name. I sat on its edge, swung my feet into the water, and asked Michelle to take a picture of me splashing. But on the second kick, my sandal strap broke. This is maybe one reason  moms don’t let their children splash in public fountains, but I say when you’re nearly 50, the rules change. Even so, I knew as I was kicking that the sandals weren’t made for this kind of fun, and I should’ve taken them off first. We laughed and wailed at my thoughtlessness, and I walked for hours with one sandal. Eventually, we passed a CVS where I found cheap flip flops to wear back to the house. I still don’t regret splashing in the fountain. I’ll splash barefoot next time.

.    

We watched art students sketch and sat long at Forsyth Square. We kept thinking we were back in Europe and it felt surreal. We got snacks and headed back to the condo and couldn’t manage to stay awake and coherent past midnight.

 

The next morning, we savored coffee on the balcony again and packed up. The beach was  cool and windy, so we headed to the city. The drive in, across green swamps, was like moving through a painting. We found Savannah Coffee Roasters, a place that ticks all the boxes for a coffee shop you could stay at for a long time or keep coming back to. One of the owners is Australian, which may account for that flair of menu choice and extraordinary service.

  

We took our coffee and pastries to a shaded square and sat on a park bench and talked for a long, long time. We had to watch the clock because we had miles to go that day, but we didn’t move fast. We found a Churchill pub with she-crab soup and sweet tea and it was wonderful. Then we had to say goodbye. Michelle hit the road and Lolita dropped me off at the airport.

I had a very long, lonely, late trip home and fell into bed in the wee hours of Monday morning with no regrets.

This tells what we did, in broad strokes. Michelle was the unofficial professional photographer and all the stellar shots here are hers. Photos are wonderful to document the sights. But what we heard, felt, said, saw, stays with us beyond what photos convey. All we can say is we’re much better  for this sweet, beautiful break in an old southern city.

Look For a Lovely Thing

I took a walk this evening. I was sleepy after supper and didn’t feel like walking, but I told myself, “If you don’t take a walk, you’ll die.” It’s not that dire, of course, but I was feeling melodramatic, and when the sky is clear and the next half hour is free, a walk is always the best idea.

When I crossed the road in front of my house, I saw this leaf in the grass and it gave me an idea:

Dr. Elissa Weichbrodt, on Instagram, does what she calls “color walking.” I heard her speak earlier this year, and was so moved with the way she sees the world and the Christian’s place in it that I’ve never been quite the same since. I read her new book, Redeeming Vision, and love how she unpacks art and its back stories. When I saw how she does color walks, I felt cynical because in my neighborhood, there’s never anything as exciting or dramatic as the vibrant colors she finds. So I never tried color walking, even in the summer.

But this evening, this faded leaf pushed me into trying something new. I decided to call it contemplative walking, like Dr. Weichbrodt does sometimes, and took pictures of all the yellow I could see.

It pushed me to walk faster, toward the next yellow thing because I didn’t know what it would be.

I saw shades that tended toward tan and orange, and the sun was setting in glorious clouds, but I was focused.

Look for a (yellow) thing and you will find it.

I kept thinking of Sara Teasdale’s lines,

“Look for a lovely thing and you will find it,
It is not far——
It never will be far.”

Lucky I was looking for yellow. Pink or purple is going to be a harder search.