In search of the perfect word

A long time ago, I read an article in Readers’ Digest written by a novelist. In it, he shared his frustration when writing sticky notes for his children–short little notes about Being Back Soon, but he’d cross out words and crumple up papers, all in search for the perfect blend of 3 words that he wanted to scribble on a note.

I remember being amused by the article. But  now I can identify. I cannot say how often I do the same. I ‘m not a novelist, but with one non-fiction book behind me, it’s second nature now to weigh every word after I write it, and make sure it says what I intended. And as good writing means lots of re-writing, I crumple up lots of sticky notes too.

I suspect that’s why I post here so infrequently. It seems to me that it should be intelliegent, good, blends of words that show up here…and I’m too hard on myself, and don’t want to write unless it’s Really Good. Well, maybe I’ll eventually get over it. There’s more to life than perfection. But what does excellence mean??

A Poem I Recently Found and Think I Like

The Cry of the Dreamer

    I AM tired of planning and toiling
    In the crowded hives of men,
    Heart-weary of building and spoiling,
    And spoiling and building again,
    And I long for the dear old river,
    Where I dreamed my youth away;
    For a dreamer lives forever,
    And a toiler dies in a day.

    I am sick of the showy seeming,
    Of life that is half a lie;
    Of the faces lined with scheming
    In the throng that hurries by;
    From the sleepless thought’s endeavor
    I would go where the children play;
    For a dreamer lives forever,
    And a thinker dies in a day.

    I can feel no pride, but pity,
    For the burdens the rich endure;
    There is nothing sweet in the city
    But the patient lives of the poor.
    Oh, the little hands too skillful,
    And the child-mind choked with weeds!
    The daughter’s heart grown willful
    And the father’s heart that bleeds!

    No! no! from the street’s rude bustle,
    From trophies of mart and stage,
    I would fly to the wood’s low rustle
    And the meadows’ kindly page.
    Let me dream as of old by the river,
    And be loved for my dreams alway;
    For a dreamer lives forever,
    And the toiler dies in a day.
    John Boyle O’Reilly

Good-bye Blues

My silent streams of tears yest. morn. at the airport surprised me, but were also comforting and healing. They gave witness to the fact that in 2 short weeks I had come to deeply love my fellow choir members, and feel safe with them, safe enough to sing and cry and laugh and be real. I miss them like crazy, but feel so peaceful and full of joy for the time we had together. They were hardly out of my mind all day, as they recorded and gave their last program.
My personal goal for the tour had been to listen and learn. And God helped that to happen…even though I did my share of talking.  I learned so much from my fellow travellers. As I heard their stories, and saw their hearts and priorities and responses to life, I was overwhelmed and staggered with the huge outpouring of grace, love, and beauty in their hearts. I live a charmed life in comparison to so much tragedy, loss, trauma, and heartbreak that they experienced.
I feel a fresh abandon to God’s design for my life, a new peace about relinquishing my puny dreams for His perfect plans. Something about singing powerful songs, following a Godly teacher/conductor, and fellowship with other Christians has changed my life again. Watch out for the new CD by the Emerald Chorale, conducted by Urie Sharp. Of course I’m biased, but it was an experience of a lifetime for all of us, and I’m priveleged beyond words.

To Explain

The link for Westminster Seminary Bookstore is there because I’ve just finished taking a course from there, under CCEF, Christian Counseling and Education Foundation. The course was “Dynamics of Biblical Change” and was 12 wks, by correspondance. Dr. David Powlison was the lecturer. It was a grueling but wonderful time. I would highly recommend the course to anyone who was looking for Biblical ways to search out their heart motives and pursue God’s wisdom in all of life.

The next course is “Methods of Biblical Change” which I’m considering taking later this year. Paul Tripp is the lecturer for that one, I understand.

It’s actually sort of sad to break the tradition that Mondays became for me: listening to 3 hrs of lectures every Mon. morning. Then throughout the week, there was assigned reading of chapters and articles, and response papers. During the 12 wks we worked on a self-counselling project, and at the end wrote a report on that, as well as a report on a ministry project. Because the end of self-examination and pursuit of wisdom is to reach out and bless and minister to others, and not always stay navel-gazing.

I loved how the course was very practical, realistic, and always tied into Scripture. I have a new appreciation, knowing that the Bible actually speaks into real situations of the real world. There’s a lot of security and freedom in that.

So check out the Westminster bookstore. They have some good stuff. I recommend the book Come Back Barbara by C. John Miller and his daughter Barbara. It’s the incredible, beautiful story of a prodigal daughter, written by the father and daughter. John has passed on now, but Barbara is one of the instructors in the counselling course.

The REAL To Do List

Mother’s Day came early this year–earlier here than in some other parts of the world. This is on a plaque I got mom…basically because, well, I need it as much as my mother.

  • Sing
  • Smile at strangers
  • Keep learning
  • Notice kindness
  • Eat ice cream
  • Hope
  • Count your blessings
  • Laugh
  • Love
  • Love some more

Now if I can only remember half the list…

Old and New Sticky Notes to live by

The sticky note has been on my desk for 4 yrs. It is faded and discolored, creased at the corners, and has wax spilled over it. It was what I believed to be God’s word to me during the wearisome days of pushing words out of a pen. Habbakuk 2:2&3:

Write the vision and engrave it so plainly upon tablets that everyone who passes may be able to read it easily and quickly as he (she) hastens by.

For the vision is yet for an appointed time, and it hastens to the fulfilment; it will not deceive or disappoint. Though it tarry, wait earnestly for it: because it will surely come, it will not be behind on its appointed day.

It’s time to throw away that piece of ragged paper. That chapter of my life is past. This is what the new sticky note says, written in happy pink ink:

I will open rivers in desolate heights,

And fountains in the midst of valleys,

I will make the wilderness a pool of water

And the dry land springs of water. –God

He tells me He will do impossible things—not just one but several. I can’t wait!

My current favourite song

I didn’t know him well or long, but Isaac left a huge impact on me last year when we were together at SMBI for 6 wks. Now he’s in heaven, and that’s nothing to be sad about, but I’m still sad. There’s a loss of a vibrant, intense, gifted life, and I can’t seem to talk myself out of grieving that loss. Then there’s his family’s loss, and that of his friends, that makes me sad again for their sakes. I cried today when I read Isaac’s brother in law’s tribute to him, and how Isaac can now run without tiring, and see music, and hear sunrises. And I suddenly feel like the little girl who wails because her friend went to the zoo without her, and she’s left behind…

Some may say I have a boring music diet because nearly all I listen to is choral music. Well, I still say it’s likely the closest to what we’ll enjoy in heaven, but we’ll leave that aside. I want to share my favourite hymn here. It was translated from an old Greek text, and was what the Greek Orthodox brothers sang when they buried one of their priests. The music was composed by John Tavener who wrote it in memory of his beloved music master. So there’s a lot of history and meaning behind all of this, which makes it a very heavy piece of music, but I LOVE it and it makes me cry every time I hear it.

In the last phrases, the Clare College singers from Cambridge, England increase in carefully- controlled power and intensity and volume til it nearly blows you away and lets you peak into heaven and what singing there must be like.

(sorry about the weird font changes below)

Funeral Ikos

Why these bitter words of the dying, O brethren,
which they utter as they go hence?
I am parted from my brethren.
All my friends do I abandon, and go hence.
But whither I go, that understand I not,
neither what shall become of me yonder;
only God who hath summoned me knoweth.
But make commemoration of me with the song:
Alleluia.

But whither now go the souls?
How dwell they now together there?
This mystery have I desired to learn,
but none can impart aright.
Do they call to mind their own people, as we do them?
Or have they forgotten all those who mourn them
and make the song:
Alleluia.

We go forth on the path eternal,
and as condemned, with downcast faces,
present ourselves before the only God eternal.
Where then is comeliness? Where then is wealth?
Where then is the glory of this world?
There shall none of these things aid us,
but only to say oft the psalm:
Alleluia.

If thou hast shown mercy unto man, O man,
that same mercy shall be shown thee there;
and if on an orphan thou hast shown compassion,
the same shall there deliver thee from want,
If in this life the naked thou hast clothed,
the same shall give thee shelter there,
and sing the psalm:
Alleluia.


Youth and the beauty of the body
fade at the hour of death,
and the tongue then burneth fiercely,
and the parched throat is inflamed.
The beauty of the eyes is quenched then,
the comeliness of the face all altered,
the shapeliness of the neck destroyed;
and the other parts have become numb,
nor often say:
Alleluia.

With ecstacy are we inflamed if we but hear
that there is light eternal yonder;
that there is Paradise,
wherein every soul of Righteous Ones rejoiceth.
Let us all, also, Enter into Christ,
that all we may cry aloud thus unto God:
Alleluia.

I am loved

I was heading out the shopping centre car park and stopped to let Eamon and Nora cross in front of me. They are good friends of ours, and important, appreciated members of the community–he is a police, and she a nurse at the hospital. He didn’t walk across but came to my window and informed me that a back tyre was soft. He said it’s ok enough to drive to the nearest petrol station. I thanked him (I rarely check my tyres because dad always does, but he’d been gone) and drove gingerly to the station–but their air hose was broken.

Thankfully, I had grabbed a mobile phone before leaving (I’m still holding out on buying one for myself; I don’t want to bother with it) and called dad who I’d just seen in the same shopping centre I’d left. Told him my perdicament, and he said to come back to his vehicle. So I drove carefully and prayerfully again, took his van, and left my flat tyred car with him and found a parking space at the dentist–all  of this15 min. before the appt.

Even though I feel alone sometimes, I loved this reminder that I do travel with/live with angels. I am protected and looked-out-for and loved, not just by people but by the Living God, and for this I am stupendously grateful.

In which she gains permission to be wordy

Sometimes I wonder if I’m one of those women Paul talked about when he wrote about those who are ever learning and never able to come to the truth. Really, I do know Truth, but I love learning and being a student. I love having time and permission to read and research and memorize stuff and then be able to ace the test and do something with the knowledge. I’ve been drilling myself on skin and skeletal systems, and this eve. at the test, I knew more than I needed to, but that’s ok because I’ve been making disgraceful grades up to now. Who knows, maybe knowing the 8 carpal names will come in handy sometime afterall.
It was funny this eve when I asked my teacher to critique my first case study report. She said it was too brief and I need to pad it with more words. “You need to put in more details, and you can be repetitive, and waffle around like I do.” I wanted to laugh. Sure, I can add more words, no problem. I’m the student who held her book in her hands for the first time today. Adding words is never a problem. It’s the paring down that is the job, which has by now become 2nd nature for me, but the case studies are going to be a breeeeeeze!! (The book has approx. 56,493 words in case you wanted to know.)
Mom asked how it feels to have my name on a book. I said I think it’s someone else’s name. It’s a Very Odd sensation, paging through it and having it look so familiar.
Last week my friend said she’ll pray that God will wrap me up in a big huge fluffy soft blanket and feed me cups of nourishing spiritual broth. I said I need armor instead of a blanket, and she said the armor will be soft and fluffy inside, but protective and hard outside to keep away satan’s arrows. God answered her prayer copiously. I was carried and covered with a loving power that gave peace in the storm. Spiritual battles are the price to pay for being in the King’s service, but that’s ok. There are higher prices to pay for doing otherwise.

to explain the title

While writing my book that is at the printers’ now, I kept asking God for a good title, and it seemed He was ok with Tis a Gift to Receive. But no one else was happy with it. I like that it has an Irish lilt to it (tis) and is a flashback to a lovely song (Tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free..)  So now I have a blog that needs a name, so I can use the title I wanted but didn’t get. The book title is Life is For Living (Not for Waiting Around).” It’s currently at press. A very exciting stage, and yet scary. Writing/publishing is not for the faint-hearted. But that’s another subject.
    This post is to explain the title. The idea is that everything is a gift. But a gift isn’t any good to you until you receive/embrace/accept it. So here’s to receiving many gifts from the Father who delights in His children.